We have been married since 2017 and live in Harriman, TN. When we first got engaged, we both decided we wanted to start trying for kids fairly quickly...6 months after we married. We tried for 7 months with no luck. I went to my OBGYN just to talk and see what he suggested. He ran some blood work on me and my husband and a sperm analysis which came back with very low motility. He told us we would never have a child naturally. Our hearts were broken.
My OBGYN referred us to a couple different fertility clinics in Knoxville in 2018. We were with our first clinic for almost a year. We tried clomid, had test after test, vitamins, restricted diets, etc. We finally had an appointment with the fertility specialist to see what had improved. Nothing did. He suggested IVF. Which, through his clinic was $20,000. We both instantly cried. The financial specialist through the clinic was asking us to borrow money from family, take out a 2nd mortgage, and multiple other things. We went home totally defeated. That night my husband found a fertility clinic out of state that was very affordable. So I made a consultation the next day, April 2019.
We had our first retrieval in September 2019 that resulted in 4 embryos making it to day 5. We waited a week and did a fresh transfer. It failed. Devastated, we tried a frozen transfer January 2020. It failed. We were devastated again. We had a consultation with one of the doctors to figure out why both transfers had failed. It was decided I would have another test done, an $800 out of pocket test. We needed a break. A break from the loss, from the emotional turmoil, but most of all, financially. We gave it everything we had. My husband was working extra over time, I was working 3 jobs and completing graduate school. We were tapped out physically, emotionally and financially.
November 2020, we went forward with the $800 test. In January of 2021, we had another transfer with our 2 remaining embryos. 2 weeks later, I got the call saying my HCG level was 105! I sat on my floor and cried tears of joy! Pure joy! I immediately called my husband and the rest of my family and told them the good news! I went for my first ultrasound 2 weeks later. We saw our little blob for the first time. Both of us cried. We went back a week later and saw our little blob again and again the following week. There was the faintest sound of a heartbeat, but a heartbeat nonetheless! We went back the following week and we were so excited. We wanted to hear the heartbeat again so bad we couldn’t stand it. But during the ultrasound, the doctor told us there wasn’t one. No heartbeat. I broke down. Was it something I did? What did I do wrong? I had a D&C the following week and went back to work the next day.
I felt like it was my fault for weeks. How did I not keep my child safe? I blamed myself. I finally came to the realization that was Gods was of saying my child was not going to have the life that I wanted it to have. We still struggle today and I’m sure we always will. The mental and emotional toll that infertility has caused me and my family is astronomical.
But we are moving forward. We are looking to have another retrieval and our rainbow baby will be with us soon.
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