Slade and Kasey

Hey everyone! My name is Slade. My wife is Kasey & we’re the Patterson’s. I understand that most posts about fertility/infertility are typically from a female perspective and that is just fine with me. But I’m going to switch gears and speak from a new view - mine - and for all the guys out there reading this, let me explain some things about myself - I deer hunt. I carry a pocket knife, I take my 4 wheel drive truck through mud holes and I shoot guns. I wear work boots and I can drive a tractor. I know how to build a fire & sometimes, I even listen to Garth Brooks. I’m a man that does man stuff. However - I couldn't care less about being too tough to have a tender heart - I love my wife with all I’ve got to give. I love my family just the same and I love Jesus Christ for loving me more than I could love anyone. When I say I’m a Christian, I mean it. I work hard to pick up my cross and deny myself daily. I have to work at it because it’s hard to do. I don’t go to church to check a box. I go to church to be in the presence of the Lord. I trust He is working all things out for my good because I’m called to love him and I truly feel that hope & trust in my heart. Even after all that I believe, there’s one main thing I continue to struggle with - I’m just a sinner that sins. I struggle with pride and approval and I’ve already proved that in this post. I’ve always tried to be the man and take care of problems, provide for my wife, and take care of my family. 

Kasey and I tried to have kids for about a year and nothing happened so we completed some tests and received the results. The doctor said the problem is me. I fit in a class of less than 1% of men who don’t produce what is needed to allow pregnancy (I knew I was one of a kind, but c'mon man). Doc said, I have a better chance of hitting the lottery than us having a biological kid. Although I've known that I’ve not been in control of my life, the day we got that news was the first day I felt it. When I was a kid, I dreamed of playing in the NFL and the NBA...and a side gig, ninja. When Kasey was a little girl she dreamed of being a mom. Hearing that I’m unable to make that happen, as her husband, breaks my freaking heart. It feels like I robbed the dream from her heart to mother a biological child. It helped hearing the doctor say I was born this way and it's nothing that I caused or did wrong to have this outcome. On the other hand, it makes me question why God made me this way. I can't do a single thing to change it. Even though I know the verdict, I break a little more each new month that we don't become pregnant. There’s not enough essential oils to reverse what my body prevents me from doing or a Pinterest diet to change my results. The only professional procedure we have learned about, equates to a car-note sized expense, with a 50% success rate. Like a wise woman once said, "It’s like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife..." 

Prior to trying for kids we discussed adoption and how it had been on Kasey's heart. It wasn't initially mine. I wasn't opposed to it but I hadn't given it much thought at that point. Once we received the news, we didn't question it. We jumped right in. For me it happened so fast that it camouflaged the thought of infertility. I didn't mean to suppress it. It just sort of happened. We had bought our first home and we got busy with renovations and the adoption process, that I accidentally stuck my reality on the back burner. We became a waiting family in November 2019. I was confident we'd be chosen in approximately 13 minutes after being on that list. However, it's been 328 days, 22 hours, 4 minutes and counting... For those who aren't familiar with adoption, we are chosen by the expectant mother. I continue to have no control. Waiting for months without being chosen creates doubt and self consciousness. It's a hard road to navigate and live out. This wasn't the way I pictured our life going. As time goes by, my heart yearns for a child. God has softened my heart and adoption is exactly where we are needed. The wait is difficult though. It’s hard seeing my wife sad and unable to change it. It's hard to know how to process something I’ve never experienced and it’s hard to open up about it because the feelings change daily. It’s painful hearing people ask “so, when are you gonna have some kids?” and the question cuts deeper each time. Or when people ask “how are you doing today?”....like, do you really want to know or is this like a “howdy” kind of thing? I have hope. I do! But the longer it goes, the more waiting that is required, and the less patience that I have. It’s known that 99.9% of people will respond with beautiful words of encouragement that feel like salt in an open wound on some days but those same exact words feel like the best hug ever, the next. It’s a confusing place to make camp. As a man, - it’s one of the most confusing places I’ve ever been in because I feel inferior due to my inability to fix it. To be completely vulnerable, it makes me feel less of a man because I can’t do this one thing that I feel like I’m supposed to be able to do. By default, it causes me to feel like I have to prove myself to people. I take on more at work to show that I can handle it. I take on more projects to prove that I can complete it and be successful. Let me clarify, my wife doesn’t make me feel any of this I'm describing. She is the best and we do what we can for each other in all we do. This lying voice is in my head that tells me I’m not enough. It's the voice that makes me feel like I have to try harder in order to prove I'm not a failure. Even though I know it’s a lie, it won’t be quiet and it’s hard to mute. 

When I close my eyes, I can see a child that is mine and he calls me Dad and in my soul, I believe the Lord will let that day come to pass but I have no way to prove it, except for the hope that's in my heart. Kasey and I are traveling through this valley & sometimes I look around and all I can see is her standing beside me. It feels lonely sometimes and it's difficult to be ok with a good day when this lingering sadness is present in the thoughts of my heart. I try to lead. I try to be strong but I have learned that I don’t have to be any of those things. I can be a busted and broken dude and it's allowed. If I can pass on one thing I have learned to another man, it would be to let down your guard. It doesn’t take a tough guy to get through the valley. It takes a willing heart to submit his ways to the Lord's plan. You don't have to like it. You just have to do it. Submit your ways to the Lord and He will make your paths straight. 

I’ve enjoyed telling my story and thank you for bearing through the length of it with me. If you need a listening ear, if you need advice, if you need prayer - I can be that guy. Rest assured that I do not have the answers you may be looking for unless that question is, “where do I turn?” I’m going to tell you to turn to Jesus. If you’re struggling with patience and trust, ask for grace. If you’re struggling with pride, ask for mercy and forgiveness. I struggle with all of the above. I'm cool with learning in the valley but I know our mountain top is coming. Really though, it doesn't even have to be a mountain. It can just be a slight incline just shy of a plateau - totally fine with me. I'd say the struggle bus is real, but the struggle bus broke down a while ago. Now we're barefoot and brokenhearted walking in this dang valley but we are together, my wife and I. We will make it through with the strength we're given as we go. "But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me." - Micah 7:7.  I hope everyone reading this can find comfort knowing that wherever you are in life, Gods there too. It’s not on us to make life work. It’s on us to let Him work.

My name is Slade. My wife is Kasey & we’re the Patterson’s. 

I understand that most posts about fertility/infertility are typically from a female perspective and that is just fine with me. But I’m going to switch gears and speak from a new view - mine - and for all the guys out there reading this, let me explain some things about myself - I deer hunt. I carry a pocket knife, I take my 4 wheel drive truck through mud holes and I shoot guns. I wear work boots and I can drive a tractor. I know how to build a fire & sometimes, I even listen to Garth Brooks. I’m a man that does man stuff. However - I couldn't care less about being too tough to have a tender heart - I love my wife with all I’ve got to give. I love my family just the same and I love Jesus Christ for loving me more than I could love anyone. When I say I’m a Christian, I mean it. I work hard to pick up my cross and deny myself daily. I have to work at it because it’s hard to do. I don’t go to church to check a box. I go to church to be in the presence of the Lord. I trust He is working all things out for my good because I’m called to love him and I truly feel that hope & trust in my heart. Even after all that I believe, there’s one main thing I continue to struggle with - I’m just a sinner that sins. I struggle with pride and approval and I’ve already proved that in this post. I’ve always tried to be the man and take care of problems, provide for my wife, and take care of my family. 

Kasey and I tried to have kids for about a year and nothing happened so we completed some tests and received the results. The doctor said the problem is me. I fit in a class of less than 1% of men who don’t produce what is needed to allow pregnancy (I knew I was one of a kind, but c'mon man). Doc said, I have a better chance of hitting the lottery than us having a biological kid. Although I've known that I’ve not been in control of my life, the day we got that news was the first day I felt it. When I was a kid, I dreamed of playing in the NFL and the NBA...and a side gig, ninja. When Kasey was a little girl she dreamed of being a mom. Hearing that I’m unable to make that happen, as her husband, breaks my freaking heart. It feels like I robbed the dream from her heart to mother a biological child. It helped hearing the doctor say I was born this way and it's nothing that I caused or did wrong to have this outcome. On the other hand, it makes me question why God made me this way. I can't do a single thing to change it. Even though I know the verdict, I break a little more each new month that we don't become pregnant. There’s not enough essential oils to reverse what my body prevents me from doing or a Pinterest diet to change my results. The only professional procedure we have learned about, equates to a car-note sized expense, with a 50% success rate. Like a wise woman once said, "It’s like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife..." 

Prior to trying for kids we discussed adoption and how it had been on Kasey's heart. It wasn't initially mine. I wasn't opposed to it but I hadn't given it much thought at that point. Once we received the news, we didn't question it. We jumped right in. For me it happened so fast that it camouflaged the thought of infertility. I didn't mean to suppress it. It just sort of happened. We had bought our first home and we got busy with renovations and the adoption process, that I accidentally stuck my reality on the back burner. We became a waiting family in November 2019. I was confident we'd be chosen in approximately 13 minutes after being on that list. However, it's been 328 days, 22 hours, 4 minutes and counting... For those who aren't familiar with adoption, we are chosen by the expectant mother. I continue to have no control. Waiting for months without being chosen creates doubt and self consciousness. It's a hard road to navigate and live out. This wasn't the way I pictured our life going. As time goes by, my heart yearns for a child. God has softened my heart and adoption is exactly where we are needed. The wait is difficult though. It’s hard seeing my wife sad and unable to change it. It's hard to know how to process something I’ve never experienced and it’s hard to open up about it because the feelings change daily. It’s painful hearing people ask “so, when are you gonna have some kids?” and the question cuts deeper each time. Or when people ask “how are you doing today?”....like, do you really want to know or is this like a “howdy” kind of thing? I have hope. I do! But the longer it goes, the more waiting that is required, and the less patience that I have. It’s known that 99.9% of people will respond with beautiful words of encouragement that feel like salt in an open wound on some days but those same exact words feel like the best hug ever, the next. It’s a confusing place to make camp. As a man, - it’s one of the most confusing places I’ve ever been in because I feel inferior due to my inability to fix it. To be completely vulnerable, it makes me feel less of a man because I can’t do this one thing that I feel like I’m supposed to be able to do. By default, it causes me to feel like I have to prove myself to people. I take on more at work to show that I can handle it. I take on more projects to prove that I can complete it and be successful. Let me clarify, my wife doesn’t make me feel any of this I'm describing. She is the best and we do what we can for each other in all we do. This lying voice is in my head that tells me I’m not enough. It's the voice that makes me feel like I have to try harder in order to prove I'm not a failure. Even though I know it’s a lie, it won’t be quiet and it’s hard to mute. 

When I close my eyes, I can see a child that is mine and he calls me Dad and in my soul, I believe the Lord will let that day come to pass but I have no way to prove it, except for the hope that's in my heart. Kasey and I are traveling through this valley & sometimes I look around and all I can see is her standing beside me. It feels lonely sometimes and it's difficult to be ok with a good day when this lingering sadness is present in the thoughts of my heart. I try to lead. I try to be strong but I have learned that I don’t have to be any of those things. I can be a busted and broken dude and it's allowed. If I can pass on one thing I have learned to another man, it would be to let down your guard. It doesn’t take a tough guy to get through the valley. It takes a willing heart to submit his ways to the Lord's plan. You don't have to like it. You just have to do it. Submit your ways to the Lord and He will make your paths straight. 

I’ve enjoyed telling my story and thank you for bearing through the length of it with me. If you need a listening ear, if you need advice, if you need prayer - I can be that guy. Rest assured that I do not have the answers you may be looking for unless that question is, “where do I turn?” I’m going to tell you to turn to Jesus. If you’re struggling with patience and trust, ask for grace. If you’re struggling with pride, ask for mercy and forgiveness. I struggle with all of the above. I'm cool with learning in the valley but I know our mountain top is coming. Really though, it doesn't even have to be a mountain. It can just be a slight incline just shy of a plateau - totally fine with me. I'd say the struggle bus is real, but the struggle bus broke down a while ago. Now we're barefoot and brokenhearted walking in this dang valley but we are together, my wife and I. We will make it through with the strength we're given as we go. "But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me." - Micah 7:7.  I hope everyone reading this can find comfort knowing that wherever you are in life, Gods there too. It’s not on us to make life work. It’s on us to let Him work.